There was a pit of unsettledness in my stomach, a sort of vague uneasiness that bubbled up uninvited, when I saw a photo on social media of someone who had just finished a race. It wasn’t jealousy I was experiencing. I felt real joy to see someone cross a finish line they had worked so hard to reach.

What was this feeling, then? I wondered.

I used to run. Once when I had finished a short run, I realized with delight that I felt like I could have run farther. It was like when my dog would bound into the backyard, expecting to run beside the fence, but then realized that the gate was open. She found great joy in the freedom of  having the ability and space to run freely! I found that joy in running too, but lost it when I tore my meniscus during my first half-marathon five years ago. The disappointment of that injury hit me deep and hard, and the impact it had on my running was just the top layer of many layers through which I needed to wrestle.

My whole adult life I have struggled with my weight. When I found running, I had finally found a way to maintain it. But after my injury I started gaining the weight back, because running hadn’t solved the root issue. I felt like a failure. I had to have surgery, and when I tried to run afterward, my body was different, with half of a left meniscus and many added pounds on my frame. For a long time, I tried to hide from the reality of what was happening to me, and that unresolved unsettledness remained in my spirit.

That feeling I kept stuffing? It was shame.

Last January, I gathered with some of my beloved tribe to go through “The Wellness Revelation” by Alisa Keeton. The cover promised that we would “lose what weighs us down so we can love God, ourselves and others.”

I wasn’t truly ready to face the real issues that were coming up inside of me. I wasn’t “all in,” but God was. He wanted more for me. In Week One of the study, God used precious words on page 11 to wake me up: “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on” -Exodus 14:15.

MOVE ON.

Those two words stared at me, as if waiting for me to respond. I couldn’t move past them. God whispered to my heart, seeing through my fears. “Enough. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time to stop clinging to this side of the Red Sea. This isn’t what I have for you. Move on. Move past the fears that are stalling you. Start running the race that I have for you.”

My mind was spinning. God was prying my heart open wide. For the four years since my injury, I had played it safe, hiding behind fear. I was afraid I couldn’t run again. Afraid I’d get hurt again. Afraid I’d never lose the weight. Afraid that where I was in that moment was as good as it would ever get.

Here’s what I had to admit: I had convinced myself that avoiding delving into these issues was simply my way of giving myself grace. In “giving myself grace,” I was actually holding myself back.

As I sat with God’s Words, His light exposed my darkened thinking. Yes, I needed to love who God had made me to be. But if I had been right in my resolve to simply stay where I was, He would have left me there. Instead, He exposed my heart, pushing and challenging me. He made it clear that there was more ahead.

I had turned “giving myself grace” into giving up.

I was claiming grace as a cop out to do nothing.

I was hiding behind grace to cover my fear and not even try.

He called me out.

It obviously wasn’t real grace that I was giving myself. It was a dressed-up way of being afraid. What I was most afraid of was failing. In the many times I tried to get healthy in the past, the only way I knew was to enter into rigid rules, regimens, training plans, food journals and exercise goals. I knew that if I did the same thing again, I would fail, because I had failed every single time before.

I had to get to a place where I could embrace the reality of God’s loving and cherishing me right here and right now, but also start running without fear into the race that He had set before me. I had a choice to make. I could stay where I was and keep clinging to the wrong side of the Red Sea, or I could join Him and move on into promised freedom.

So I started running. Four months after starting the eight-week journey of “The Wellness Revelation,” I ran a 5k. It was hard. I cried. I wore a ridiculous grin the whole time. That 5k was the first step that grew my trust to enter into the second step. God put it on my heart during “The Wellness Revelation,” to address my issues with sugar. Now, one year later, I’m losing pounds, but more importantly, sugar is losing its grip on me.

I’d love to say this journey is over, but I’m still very much in the middle. After going through weight loss five times now, I understand that this side of heaven, we won’t have a true “after” story. Each of our stories is very much in process. But my story has a new headline now.

It’s a story of how God wants more for me.

A story of pursuit.

A story of unconditional love.

A story of choosing river-crossing over fear-clinging.

When I stepped past fear, I could see that grace looks less like paralysis and more like consistent growth. Grace looks less like giving up and more like loving oneself by taking small steps forward in obedience. Grace looks less like desperately trying to avoid failure, and instead seeing that there is growth to be had even in the midst of failure.

I didn’t want to try again because I didn’t want to fail. I couldn’t bear more shame. But when the God of Creation whispered to me, “Daughter, it’s time to move on,” a new seed of hope took root. I was known and loved. I was being called out, and I was being changed. I had known this transformation story all along in a spiritual sense, but I hadn’t considered how it could apply to my life physically. I realized with great joy that instead of following restrictive training programs, I could just follow God. I could choose His power instead of willpower.

When I accepted His invitation to move on, I discovered that what I was carrying — a fear of failure and the shame of being stuck– was heavy and burdensome.  But when I actually chose to lay them down, I could run farther. Faster. More freely.

God wants more for us.

He hasn’t called us to the sidelines. He’s called us to finish lines.

And I’m staying in this race.

Thank you, God, for not leaving me where I would have left myself. Thank you for pursuing me, for calling me back to the race You’ve had for me from the beginning. Please, Lord, keep my ears open to always hear Your precious invitation to keep moving on.

In the comments below, share your testimony from “The Wellness Revelation” study, or your experience of God’s grace! 

| Marnie Hammar | Wife for 23 years and mom of three boys (13, 10, & 7), I’m a Jesus writer and speaker with a day job that revolves around taming the stinky, scraping off the sticky, and distributing boys to the places they go. My overwhelmingly testosterone-laden family embraces a sport-filled, friend-filled, church-filled life in suburban Cincinnati. My favorites are running (which might be more accurately called plodding faithfully?), cheering for my boys from soccer sidelines, settling in for family movie night, and laughing with my friends. For more information about Marnie, visit marniehammar.com.

Thank you for reading the Revelation Wellness Blog this week! This week we are at Revelation Wellness Instructor Training Retreat in Williams, AZ for Platoon 22! Have you dreamed of combining your love for faith and fitness as a fitness teacher gospel preacher? Visit our website to learn more about Instructor Training and follow us on Instagram to get an inside look at events throughout the week!

Workout with us in this #wednesdayworkout! For more workouts like this, visit RevWell TV!

JANA’S SPIN- REST & RENEW

Find any stationary bike and give this workout a “spin”. This is cardiovascular training at its finest. Great for those who would like to avoid high-impact and give their lower body joints a break. (STATIONARY BIKE)