(When Gaining Is Losing..continued)
With the use of only one foot, you get proficient at hopping short distances when necessary. One evening as I was hoping from the kitchen sink to the couch, the song ‘Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail’ began to play in my head. At first, I chuckled, and then in an instant a long ago and buried memory came to the surface like a flood.
When I was five years old, I was running barefoot in the park, playing tag with my brother. I remember running freely one moment and then in an instant my left foot was on fire. It was such an intense feeling of fire that I stopped running, froze like a statue and screamed a scream that is reserved only for little boys and girls who are in serious danger. (Some Einstein decided it would be a good idea to take their hot coals from their BBQ pit, and to “properly” extinguish them by burying them in the sand.) I stood there frozen while my left foot was searing on somebody’s improperly disposed of hot coals.
I remember my father running to me, sweeping me off my feet, looking at my foot, placing me in his arms then darting for the car. Off to the E.R. we went.
My next clear memory is of my father carrying me out of the E.R. with my left foot wrapped with a crazy amount of cotton and white gauze. I remember my foot looking like a gigantic white Q-tip, about the size of a small basketball. When we entered the waiting room my mom laid eyes on me, and she began to sing:
“Here comes Peter Cotton Tail. Hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity Hop, Hippity Hop, Easter’s on its way.”
(Knee scooters make for great mobile benches.)
“HOLY COW!” I thought. As I was hoping back to the couch, this memory took my breath away. I shared it with my husband and said to him “Isn’t that crazy. Instead of my mom taking me into her arms, squeezing me, telling me how sorry she was and assuring me everything was going to be alright, she sang a song that felt like a taunt.” I remember feeling sad and feeling like a fool. My mom’s response to my pain was to make light, to laugh, not to give it any attention. My husband responded to me in mutual disbelief for poor parenting form.
But God. His Spirit keeps us free. God was quick to keep me from laying blame on my mom. He quickly showed me that it was this same minimizing attitude that is currently keeping her strong while battling cancer, right now. And it’s this same minimizing/overcoming attitude that kept my head above water on some of the most painful days of my life.
Who am I to judge.
“Lord have mercy on me, the sinner.”
But I am a girl who wants her healing.
At all cost. Heal me, Lord. Restore me, transform me, set me free!
11 Responses
Dear Sister, that jingle ends with “Easter is on the way!” Even in the midst of a painful memory, Holy Spirit shouts “out Easters a coming!” Resurrection power, healing, hope, abundant life (Shalom) – its all coming. He was with you, he also experienced your pain and now as you said, He’s healing your heart. Blessings
Instead of babying you she comforted you with song to take your mind off of hurt and pain for your long journey of healing. God is good all the time.
The transforming power of God! He uses everything to His glory.
Dear Alisa,
What can I say. Your writings are rich with the Life of the Kingdom of God. Your vulnerability is an example to us all.
I believe he has allowed me to find you so that I too can express His works through my Yoga classes, website and blog. I’ve been stuck until I’ve read your writings. You have a precious heart and spirit. I pray that one day soon we can meet in person and co-labor in this work of being healthy & well to serve and love others.
May I truly have the perspective that God allowed my hurt to prepare for the right now. Thank you for this. If you hadn’t brought it back to a positive at the end, I would have ended up camping out on the minimizing aspect of your mom’s response and wanted to empathize with you by remembering my own hurtful parent stories.
Heal well my friend!! Too many of these injuries for me. Thanking God for many years of competitive swimming!! Keeps me going!! Much love to a sister in Christ!!
Amazing story I can totally feel the judgement you had for your Mom. Yet, Gid showed you a different Truth. I have so much “stuff” that God needs to show me about my parents. Thanks for sharing and helping me to ask God to shed light on all the old stuff …. That I still carry with me to this day. Praying for healing to your foot.
I found myself pondering your words and praying for you in the night last night. What struck me was you believed your season was about joy and yet you find yourself in a season of turmoil. What I heard from Holy Spirit was that it is the season of turmoil that will ultimately get you to your season of more, your season of JOY. REMAIN IN HIM. Your are doing a mighty beautiful and extraordinary job at doing this. Stay the course. Your joy IS set before you in Jesus name. Amen and Hallelujah!
Amen, Lori. Yes..I believe that too. Pressing in….Thank you for praying for me. That’s just the kindness of the Father, right there.
Wow, just wow Alisa. Thanks for sharing. So many emotions & thoughts bubbling up inside me & tears running down my face. I am just now realizing that when I was a child and things that were important to me or happened to me were made light of, laughed at, not given any attention, the pain that caused me & how I stuffed it down and took on that feeling of I don’t matter & I am insignificant. Praying for you my friend.
I love when people authentically share there vulnerability . And God gets all the glory honor and praise . As I process this post and look at my own childhood . And my children’s upbringing . What comes to me is we all do the best we can . When we know better we do better . God has transformed me from a broken little girl into a child of his . I love the comment I read Easters on its way . What a comfort we have in Jesus . Unending hope . Healing prayers your way