Negative.

That is how the pregnancy test read, month after month, for two years. Two years that felt like an eternity. Every hour, many days, seemed like a battle. I knew the Lord knew the desires of my heart, so why wouldn’t this pain go away? Why was I constantly being reminded of my struggle whenever  someone would innocently ask, “So, do you want any more kids?” or “Are you guys trying?”  First of all, can we back up and acknowledge out of the gate how personal that question is?  Seriously.  

Listen, I get it–I’ve so been the one on the other side asking that same question, but in this season, I was done being asked.  The pain was very real.  If you’re reading this right now and want to skip to your next email because you can’t relate to infertility, please hang tight for a minute. My story is your story too if you have ever waited for something your heart desired.   If I were with you right now, and you were waiting for something, I would grab your hand and say, “I get it.”  Sometimes we just need someone to really “get it,” don’t we?  We are ALL in this thing together.   

I had been through a fair share of trials in life, but this one was hindering me in a way I couldn’t have anticipated. There were much bigger problems in the world, I thought. Why was this so consuming?  I remember driving to work one day after another negative pregnancy test, and cried out to Him, “I know I heard you. I KNOW that was your voice telling me that you promised me another child.  WHY would you do that?”  The doctors had advised us that we would likely not be able to conceive on our own. There were a ton of other options we could pursue, none of which were possible in that chapter of our life.  So what did we do?  We prayed.  A lot.  We sought counsel, went to an adoption information class at our church, talked to other families who had adopted, cried some more, and went on with life.  You have to, right?  Still, the pain remained.

Finally one Monday in October we began the adoption process.  After six months, we were approved!  We entered a new season of waiting. We prayed for our potential birth mom and all the other families waiting too, but my heart was still not settled. God is always most concerned about the condition of our hearts. I was still learning that what He does in our hearts in the midst of waiting is the most treasured part of the journey.

One Sunday morning I was at church alone and during worship, I cried out to Jesus, “Your will be done, not mine, your will be done, not mine.”  I begged Him to change my heart’s desire because although we were approved, I still had a desire to have a biological child. In His kindness and goodness, He met me and calmed my entire body. In that exact moment,  our church put up  on the big screens  a video clip of Abraham offering Isaac (Genesis 22). “What?”  I asked Him.  “Are you telling me that you just wanted to see if I was willing?  To forego my desires for yours?”

Something changed in that moment, and I honestly can’t explain it to you.  I felt the Spirit saying, “I need you to trust me.  Trust my timing.  Your obedience to follow me wherever I lead you is what I wanted.”  I think I sat down.  I couldn’t even process all of it.  

The next night, a promise the Lord had shown me at the beginning of this journey reappeared with the kind of confirmation that can only be from Him.  I felt  all sorts of emotions- excitement, fear, not wanting to get too excited, and more.  It was as if I had approached the Jordan River and He was showing me the Promised Land. I felt like I could now physically see it!

The next morning, I took another test.

PREGNANT.  

I ran downstairs and asked my husband to buy 18 more.  I think he came home with a 2 pack.  Both of them confirmed it. We were in fact pregnant.

Kole Zachary  is now 4.5 years old.  His middle name Zachary means, “The Lord Remembers”.  You guys, The Lord remembers, He truly does.

Here’s the deal. This is our story. Maybe you’re reading this and are still waiting for something. You are not on the other side yet.  Again, if I were in the same room as you, I would hold your hand and remind you that He is  good always, 100% of the time.  We can’t always understand it.  It does suck sometimes.  It is hard, but we are in it together.  We lack nothing. Timing is everything, and all His.

Looking back, it all makes sense now.  I couldn’t see it when I was in the thick of it.  I needed community – I needed His Word to breathe life into me over and over again –   I needed His spirit inside of me.  He was always there.

In the two years of waiting and struggling, God prepared a place of destiny for me and for Kole,  for the rest of our family. This is just part of the story He wrote for me, and I share it with you to say, “If He dried up the Jordan river for me, He will dry it up for you too, friend!”  

He desires nothing less than for us to:

• Trust Him
• Wait on His Perfect Timing
• Follow Where He leads

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” – -John 10:27

     Kristen Ulin, Revelation Wellness Director of Events, Instructor and Momma

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