I fear the unknown. Don’t we all? With early childhood trauma, and loved ones leaving this earth sooner than I ever thought they would, I grew up fearing death. I feared it so deeply that it some ways it seemed to consume me.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with severe anemia. I was faced with the big question: Do I trust God? Do I really believe that God is good no matter what? Sitting in a hospital at midnight, all alone, getting a blood transfusion, I was forced to answer that question. My answer at that moment was undoubtedly “no.” However, the Lord used my fear and lack of trust in Him to bring me to my knees over the next few months.
After the blood transfusion, I found out that I had a huge mass that had to be removed. Unfortunately, it was too big to be removed immediately and the doctor wanted to try to shrink it first. The worst part of the diagnosis was that it might take another three to six months to shrink. During that time of waiting, the Lord met me in undeniable ways. In struggling with my fear of death, He promised that He would heal me. I was not defined by the deaths of my mother and father. God was rewriting my story. He also asked me to use that time of waiting to focus on my marriage and kids. No time was to be wasted worrying about what was to come, as my go-to in the past would have been to whip myself into a frenzy of fear.
Over the next few months, any time that my mind began to wander to a dark place of uncertainty, or how this was all going to go, God would whisper to me that He had this and that He was going to heal me.
“The moment we get tired in the waiting,
God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along.
If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.
He does our praying in and for us,
making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.
He knows us far better than we know ourselves,
knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.
That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our
lives of love for God is worked into something good.”
-Romans 8: 26-28, The Message
Fast forward to July. Another doctor’s appointment and more unexpected news. After all the sweet time I had spent relying on the Lord in my weakness and trusting Him, you can understand how quickly that trust disappeared when I heard the doctor say that the mass had actually grown over the four months of waiting. Surgery was now the only option.
When I say I am afraid of death, you should know that hospitals are the embodiment of death for me. No one close to me has ever walked away from the hospital without a death sentence. So here’s how it went for me. My first surgery was unsuccessful. The second surgery was unsuccessful and resulted in a third surgery due to complications. Then one week later, I headed to the hospital again to have a fourth surgery! This surgery was for the removal of the mass and was potentially extremely risky. The morning of the last surgery, I felt like the Lord spoke to me the phrase it is finished. I laughed, expecting the worst and figuring anything short of the worst would be good. We were told it was going to be a LONG surgery, about 6 – 8 hours. It actually only took 3 hours. Only God could have made it go so smoothly. Only God.
When I got home that day, I lay in bed and did the only thing I knew I could do, which was to worship the Lord. I put on my favorite worship song by Rita Springer, “Worth It All,” and praised Him for everything that He had walked me through. At that moment, I felt those three words reverberate in my heart: it is finished.
Only it wasn’t finished – not yet. I developed another complication and was at risk for another surgery. I felt defeated at times, but God was with me and I knew that If He said He was going to do it, He would. I knew that because of my stubbornness, I probably would have pushed my boundaries on recovery. I knew that through the complication, God helped me slow down and not push myself. I had to let go of all the things I was constantly trying to control: my husband, my kids, my house, and of course, God Himself.
You see, I believed that He was going to heal me, but it wasn’t going to happen the way I wanted it to. I wanted quick, fast, miraculous healing, but God had other plans. How much was I going to trust Him?
In late September, I was finally released from doctor’s care, 8 weeks after my first surgery. It was a hard, heavy and lonely road, but in the waiting, He met me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I had a choice to either trust God and believe what He told me, or I could go back to living in fear and let it destroy me. By His grace, I chose to trust Him. He also made it possible for me to focus on my marriage, which is stronger today because of this whole process, and gave me new eyes for my kids, helping to strengthen my family.
God does what He says He’s going to do, friends. Keep your eyes on Him and trust that He will complete the work that He has started.
Is there a place in your life where it is difficult to trust God? What are some practices you do that align your heart, mind, body, and spirit with God in difficult situations? How has trusting God produced thanksgiving in you?
Dana’s home is in Phoenix, AZ and is the RevWellTV Producer and Customer Care Coordinator for Revelation Wellness®. She is a wife and mother to three children – Wyatt, Elliott & Gretta. When not working you can find her reading, hiking or playing out front with all the neighborhood kids.
Thanks for following along this week on the Revelation Wellness Blog! Did you know yesterday was #givingtuesday? Are you a Revelation Wellness donor? Have you considered it? When you partner with Revelation Wellness as a donor, you empower transformation, lasting change, and freedom as people experience health and wholeness through Christ. Check out this video to see how your gift is used and donate today!
Workout with us in this #wednesdayworkout! For more workouts like this, visit RevWellTV!
MICHELE’S YOGA FLOW – “LET IT GO”
Take a few minutes to center in and sink down. Your inner and outer strength will make peace with one another in this flexibility and mind-centering workout. (ALL LEVELS) (GENESIS 22:3; YOGA MAT)