When I try to express how I truly feel about the people in my life that I love the most, even when I am at my clearest and most creative, I don’t think I can express my love fully. At best, I move them with a sense of my love, but a sense will never really be enough. I love them with the memory of a smile. I love them with the memory of a kiss. I love them with the feeling I get when I see the wind blow through the leaves of a tree. That’s how I love them. And yet, for some reason, I often find it hard to believe that maybe, they too, love me that way.

I guess this translates into how I used to relate to God. I’d heard that God loved me deeply. I knew it in my mind. I’d confessed it multiple times, but I only really felt loved by Him when things were going well—when others were kind to me and when the weather was pleasant. I only felt accepted by Him when I’d done something that I believed glorified Him or made Him proud.

On days when I experienced rejection, when I was afraid and alone, or I felt like I’d failed God, I definitely didn’t feel His love. What’s worse, I didn’t feel safe. I felt exposed. Raw. I felt despair. Somehow, my default emotion was inferiority. It’s hard to accept love when you feel so unworthy of it. And this inferiority and insecurity manifested itself into destructive, self-sabotaging behaviors and thinking. I was trapped in a whirlwind of shame, despair, and insecurity whenever the pressure of life got too much to bear. And as someone with deep feelings, that was often. I’d have a fight with my boyfriend, a bad day at work, make a mistake, or say or do something I felt ashamed of, and disconnect myself from love from the Father and love from others. I didn’t know what to do with my pain.

Then, one summer, in the midst of a dark season when my heart was newly bleeding, I decided to go for a very, very long walk with my little white and fluffy version of man’s best friend—something I often do to ease anxiety. I played a podcast from Revelation Wellness, which I had only recently discovered. While I walked to the water where I go to sit and be with God, I allowed Alisa’s words to pour over me like the oil Samuel poured over King David, letting the passage about Martha and Mary soothe my soul that was desperate for Jesus. Slowly, I began to build up my strength. God reminded me that while I was hurting and hungry for him, I had chosen the best thing—to be with Him in my pain.

I’m still learning to receive the love I so desperately need and I’m no longer ashamed of my neediness. If my weakness brings me to the heart of the Father in Christ and teaches me how to love and be loved, I’ll suffer gladly. I know that as I abide, opening myself up to healing, He turns my suffering into good fruit! He turns it into the testimony I’m sharing now. He turns it into a mirror of how much I need a Savior and makes me so thankful Christ came to be with me. Beloved, God came to be with us in our pain. We see this perfectly and gloriously at the cross. He never meant for the call to be easy, but He promised He’d be with us. He promised to NEVER leave us. He knew we’d be foolish and need wisdom, and I’ve never asked for wisdom and not received it.

I think the biggest blessing Revelation Wellness has given me is the understanding that we train in order that we can love and be loved well. Christ sets us free to set others free. He gives us a song. That song is the experiential knowledge that not one single tear or hair on your head or mine goes unaccounted for. Not one wince, not one lashing of this world, will ever be experienced alone. He is with us.

It’s been a while since I discovered the healing and transformative power of processing my pain through movement, opening myself up to the reality that I am fully known and loved for exactly who I am. I’m no longer ashamed of my dark side. Now even my suffering is God’s prompting to be near to Him. I’ve learned to let myself be loved in my most ugly and self-defeating episodes like a child running to her parent to be comforted when the trauma and the nightmare are too much to take. I’ve never come out of those moments weaker than when I went in to seek the face of God. I know there were tears and ugly cries and words I’d wished I’d never spoken and lies I wished I’d not believed, but in my pain, I am training. I’m purging the lies about my identity and building my love game. It’s impossible to be so fully and radically loved by God and not be changed! I can give what I so freely have been given.

The greatest gift Instructor Training has given me is the tools to discipline and line myself up, physically and mentally, with the victory Christ died to give me. When I can’t see clearly, I grab my sneakers, I grab my Bible, I grab my headphones, I throw on my Gospel goggles, and I hold tightly to my shield of faith. I move forward in the knowledge that my God will never leave me where He found me. He is with the orphan and the fatherless, making them children of a loving Heavenly Father. He is with the widow and the downcast. He is never far, even when I can’t feel Him, and to know Him is to love Him.

“When I need a reminder, I envision myself surrounded by God’s protection and love: The hillside around Stephanie was filled with chariots of FIRE.”  2 Kings 16-17

The Lord whispers to me:

“Stephanie, my grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8

When I’m having a hard day, I look forward to going to my secret place to worship and praise my good Father for His kindness. His kindness leads me to repentance and His Word guides me and covers me. I will never stop needing His love, and my neediness is no longer a source of shame for me. It’s the very thing that sends me running to His arms, keeping my heart soft when I am tempted to harden it.

The Lord is my shepherd. He goes before me. Defender behind me. I won’t fear.  Hallelujah, I am not alone. He’s my comfort, always holds me close.

In the comments below, share how you metabolize pain and suffering. Do you stuff it away and feel ashamed for it? Or do you lean into the Father? What have you learned from Revelation Wellness about pain and suffering?

Stephanie is a teacher in NYC who loves Jesus and people. She’s a native Brooklynite who knows good pizza when she sees it.

Thank you for reading the Revelation Wellness Blog this week! Do you want to move your body in a real-life connection? Find an instructor near you using our Find a Class tool. Revelation Wellness Instructors are ready to welcome you into a community that will nurture, grow, and challenge you!

Workout with us in this #wednesdayworkout! For more workouts like this, visit RevWell TV!

AMIA’S CARDIO MASH-UP – “SIMPLE WISDOM”

This is a cardio class, set to move to the beat of the music, where anything goes. The goal: to get your heart rate up with your Spirit even higher. (ALL LEVELS) (PROVERBS 1:7; DRUMSTICKS)