While the rest of America was celebrating with fireworks, hot dogs, and backyard parties, I spent this past 4th of July driving through the cornfields of the Midwest, tears streaming down my face, crying out to God.
“This isn’t fair! It’s just too much. Why are you allowing this to happen? Why aren’t you doing anything? You say that you’re good, but I don’t see the good in any of this.”
I made this three-hour trip from Indiana to Illinois so I could spend time with my mom and provide relief for my dad, who has become her primary caregiver. For the past three years, my mom has suffered from an undiagnosed auto-immune illness. Despite countless doctors, chiropractors, neurologists, naturopaths, functional practitioners, diets, supplements, treatments, drugs, etc., they’ve yet to pinpoint the exact source of her illness.
I’ve witnessed my mom transform from strong and independent, to so weak she can’t dress or even stand up out of a chair by herself. She suffers from tremors in her hands that keep her from doing the most basic of tasks like combing her hair or cooking simple meals.
The most mind-boggling part of it all is my mom has always been one of the healthiest people I know. She was ‘crunchy granola’ long before it was cool. She taught me how to brew kombucha and water kefir. She sprouts her own beans and roasts her own coffee. Back in the 80s when all of her friends were serving up healthy amounts of Twinkies and Ding Dongs, I got sesame sticks and homemade chicken nuggets infused with liver in my lunchbox.
My mom instilled in me a love for dance and fitness. She attended the Interlochen Academy for the Arts in high school and she taught dance classes while I was young. I loved watching her petite figure move gracefully across the floor. She enrolled me in dance as early as I can remember, and though I was always more of the awkward tap dancer in the back row, tall and bigger boned, I discovered a love for combining movement with rhythms and melodies.
My first memory of fitness was doing a Jane Fonda workout with my mom in our living room, leotards, leggings and all! I went to my first Zumba class with my mom, where God first planted the seed of “maybe you should do this…!” We always loved trying new fitness classes together, and five years ago on her 60th birthday, we celebrated by going to a Body Pump class.
It’s completely unfair and bewildering that a woman as healthy and strong as my mom should suffer such a horrific illness. Three weeks ago, I listened to her weep as she told me her sickness had forced her to quit her job as a child/family advocate for kids with special needs. A week later my parents told me they need to move out of their home, as mold is now one of the suspected culprits of her illness.
Why are you taking so much away from her, God? How much more can she take?
The thing with an undiagnosed illness is that it’s super complicated and hard to talk about. Well-meaning people ask, “well can’t she just get tested for ‘XYZ’?” The answer isn’t that easy. Tests are often unreliable. Conflicting information from different doctors is overwhelming, exhausting, and leads to confusion. Treatment after expensive treatment that doesn’t work leads to downright hopelessness.
The unknown and unexplainable nature of my mom’s health crisis has caused me to shrink back in fear. I don’t know how to talk about it. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know how to ask for prayer. It’s so deep and complicated and hard that I can’t answer the question of “how’s your mom doing” in passing with a few brief sentences.
As I made that long, lonely drive, in the midst of the mess of emotions, I heard God’s voice clearly speak: This is why you train.
My first reaction? Anger.
Wait. What? I did NOT sign up for this, God. This is NOT what I’ve been training for. I don’t know how to do this.
But I knew deep down in my soul that He was right. Six pack abs and thigh gaps don’t really matter when you’re caring for a parent who’s wasting away before your eyes.
I tell my Rev classes all the time: “We’re training our bodies, but most importantly our hearts and minds for the hard things God is going to ask us to do when we walk out those doors.” He’s given me an opportunity to live out this obedience in a way I never would have chosen.
I spent that weekend not only caring for my mom, but simply being with her. I cooked meals, juiced vegetables, did a couple of loads of laundry. I introduced her to Smoothie King and showed her options that would be easy on her tummy while helping her get the calories and protein her body desperately needs. We watched HGTV marathons and Naked & Afraid to pass the time as she rested. I helped cut her nails, and we laughed about how our roles have reversed and that it seems like just yesterday she was doing that for me.
I’ve learned that one of the hardest things about chronic illness is the isolation. My mom is trapped in a body that won’t do what she wants it to, and that’s maddening. The day-in and day-out of being homebound with nothing new to look forward to leads to despair. Simply being there with her and helping with some simple tasks, which wouldn’t have been a big deal only five years ago, was so meaningful that she couldn’t stop crying.
I’ve heard Alisa talk about staying close to the suffering. I didn’t really understand what that meant until now. I’m a doer. I only allow myself to feel sad or upset for a brief moment before I move on to the next task that will distract my mind. I avoid suffering because it’s super uncomfortable to feel my own feelings of grief and sadness. Maybe for the first time, I allowed myself to enter in completely to the suffering. No to do or fix or distract, but simply be in it with my mom. That simple, but oh-so-difficult shift, has given me a softer, more tender heart. A heart that has a new capacity to empathize and feel pain.
My mom is now in the process of moving in with my family to help her detox from the mold that’s wrecked her body. This transition will be a challenge for all of us, but an opportunity for me to continue to train — to not shy away from the suffering and unknowns but to enter in fully.
She told me that God has given her a vision of her dancing again. She’s hanging on to the promise that God will heal her completely so she can worship Him in the way He created her to move.
In the midst of her suffering, she proclaims this verse: “The Lord sustains me on my sickbed, in my illness, you restore me to full health.” Psalm 41:3
I don’t get to wrap up this story with a pretty little bow. In the messy, painful middle of this situation, I’m training myself to declare that God IS good even when it doesn’t feel good. I’m training myself to declare His promises even when I don’t fully believe them. I’m training to hold on to the hope of His glory because I can trust Him even when I don’t understand.
- In the crushing
- In the pressing
- You are making
- New wine
- In the soil, I
- Now surrender
- You are breaking
- new ground
- So I yield to you and to your careful hand
- When I trust you I don’t need to understand
– “New Wine,” Hillsong Worship
In the comments below, share the ways that training has helped you serve your family and community! Why do you train?
Katrina Canfield is the Executive Director of Communications for Revelation Wellness. She also teaches Rev Fit classes in Anderson, IN where she loves inspiring people to move in joy and freedom. She’s been married to Troy for 14 years, and they have two sons, Ian, 10 and Silas, 7. You can follow her ministry here.
Thank you for reading this week’s Revelation Wellness Blog! Sign-ups for the 21-day Sugar Fast open in 5 days on August 26th! Learn more and sign up here!
Workout with us in this #wednesdayworkout! For more workouts like this, visit RevWell TV!
ASHLEY’S BARRE – “INVALUABLE OPPORTUNITIES”
Barre is a fusion workout that includes the best of pilates, yoga, aerobics and elements of the strengthening exercises that dancers use, for a total body core focused workout! (ALL LEVELS) (1 TIMOTHY 4:8; BALL & CHAIR)
31 Responses
what is websit above for when I tap on it nothing happens so glad to read all your blogs have attended in few of your wor shops and will be doing the sugar fast thank you
Hey Sue, The links should work now! We are so glad you are joining us in the sugar fast!
This spoke to my heart this morning. After my 7 hour long drive home from caring for my mother for a few days, my heart also hurts for my mom. Being with her in the suffering has been difficult. I am hoping to start training because i need him to be my rock and shelter in the midst of hard times. Thank you for sharing – i needed this.
We are praying for you as you care for your mother, Becky! Thank you for sharing.
Your story is exactly what I needed to hear as I am on the cusp of my instructor training journey. God called me to fitness 11 years ago, not just to get me healthy, but to help me know I can do hard things, uncomfortable things and can move forward in fear. And that song is my song for 2019. Thank you for sharing your and your Mother’s story. He has infused The Pain you are enduring with Salve to heal countless others who hear of your love and long-suffering. May he heal. Completely – – heart, soul, mind, and strength. God is good.
We are so excited to meet you at Instructor Training, Jill. Thank you for your encouragement!
Tell your mom to hang on to what God promised; he is faithful.
Blessings to you and your family. God is good-all the time. He will sustain you and show you.
Thank you for your wisdom and kindness, Michelle!
dear Katrina, we grieve with you over this and walk alongside of you as you walk the journey that the Lord has paved for you at this time. I pray continued strength, perseverance, endurance, hope, and surrender to his plan for now. He is at work every hour of the day. We pray for a smooth transition for your parents to move in with you. We pray for the Lord‘s divine healing on your Mom. Thank you for this beautiful story and being so humble and transparent. It helps all of us walk through difficultIES knowing if you can walk through it with a great big God, then we too can. HUGS DEAR SISTER!
Thank you for your prayers for Katrina and her family, Marie!
I had a similar experience last summer. My mom was told she had 6 months to a year to live without a liver transplant. My mom is widowed and I am the only natural child that lives here. I had been training to get MYSELF healthier. God prepared me in many ways to take on this adventure. I was strong physical, clear minded, and spiritually mature fOR this adventure. I stayed with my mom while still working and raising a teenage son with my husband. (Who stepped up and braved this with me) I am so glad the Lord was with me. On my mom’s birthday (2 months in) They called with a match. My mom had a successful transplant and was restores to live ON her own and be the retired grandma adventurer she had saved up to be. I did know how this would end but God was with me every step and placed people and opportunities that allowed me to be what I needed to be.
Thank you for sharing, Angela! And what a praise that your mom is well again!
God is so good! Yesterday while i was at worship & workout, i was thinking about the 7 hour trip ill be making to pick up my Mom of 86 to bring her here to visit. I even shared it with my life group last night as they prayed over me. All the questions running through my mind, as to how i Am i going to maKe her visit joyful and yet REST-FULL fOr her. Keep her busy as sHe struggles with walking. SHe’s been healthy and still is but aging proces has sat in.
My worship & WORKOUT classes haVe been life changing for me and i want to beable to share them with my mom. thank goodness our church has an elevator So i can hopefully get her up there to listen, At least once whiLe she Is here. That is my prayer. Thank you for this message it is DEFINITELY in God’s perfect timing to answered prayers.
We pray that your mom’s visit is REST-FULL and smooth! The Lord has prepared your body and your heart to receive her!
Katrina, thank you for sharing your heart, the mess and all. Your words spoke to me, and i cant wait to share this with a friend who is going THROUGH a very similar situation. Keeping your entire family in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing, Melissa!
Katrina, I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I’m praying for you all and pray that this is the answer to her health problems.
I’m so so thankful that you are where God needed you to be to be able to provide care and a place to live for your mom. Hopefully you know how much of a blessing that truly is!!
I won’t go into details but I think my mom would have lived longer if she would have been willing to move and have family care for her.
For privacy reasons I won’t mention your mom’s name, but please tell her and your dad that I will be PRAYING. PRAYING for God’s healing, comfort, strength, wisdom and for her to enjoy this special time (while not how any of us would choose) time to spend with family, time that will be looked back on as a presious time. Not saying that it will all be easy, but it will be memories for a life time not just for you but for your children and grandchildren ❤️ all my love and prayers friend!
I related to this so much – Since i was 10 Years old i’ve watched my mother suffer from mental illness. And recently my best friend – also a passionate danceR – was diagnosed witH the same mental illness my mother has. I’Ve watched two people i deeply love suffer from the pain of being trapped Inside a body and mind that is betraying them, CONFLICTED with what is even reality anymore. This article has renewed my strength and sense of peace about the hard things we are called to walk through, and i’m encouraged to continue pressing in. Thank you so much for your “yes” in sharing with us.
Katrina – Thank you for sharing your story and your heart!! I will be praying for your sweet mama, and for you, in this transition. praying that she has found the answer and for quick healing to come!!
this post was such a blessing to me. my daddy passed away two and a half years ago after struggling for several years with dementia, and i have been walking with my sweet mama through the pain and grief of losing him – first, to dementia, and then when he passed. i am also a doer. i don’t sit well in the pain and grief with her. their marriage was good, but often very rocky, and sometimes she struggles to remember the good. i have a very hard time walking through the grief sprinkled with sorrow and regret over what their marriage and her life were not. you have encouraged me to be better at just sitting and resting with her.!! thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Why do i train? so many reasons, but one of the biggest is my mama!! i want to be salt and light for her!
What a beautiful and not easy message to share, but thank YOU for speaking it Katrina. Praying for you and your mamma. ❤
Thank you for sharing. 30 years ago in my early 20’s, I walked through terminal illness with my mom. You put words to my feelings all that time ago. Still healing.
I too have watched and waited and served my mom as best I can as she suffers constantly with known and unknown illnesses and allergies. You helped me identify better all the things I’m experiencing as we walk through this. Thank you.
Took care of parents 15 years. Long years. I wouldy trade those years. Swimming and running and biking spaRed me. Thank God for my health.
Exercise kept me going—even getting up at 3:30 am.
Running my dods helped, too.
So incredibly real, raw, and honest. Thank you for sharing Katrina. God has also used that song to help me over the pasT year of “going small” to prepare me for the hard task of caring for my Little sister in home hospice. Yours is a very difficult situation. Fortunately for us all, his love never quits. ❤️
I am blown away by your story. I took care of my mom for 18 years, and wish I had trained for loving her more than just “taking care” of her needs. You’ve given me a paradigm shift! Thanks God, and thank you for your vulnerability katarina
Representing THE NEW MALE MEN !
Rejoicing with you all that we are to be in health and prosper as our souls prosper-learning obedience through the things we endure-longsuffering! I continue training as The temple of the holy Spirit,to keep my body under,yield my members to wholiness,as instruments of righteousness-through Asah: my Hebrew system using worship,praise dancing & MOVEMENTs of the heavenly CONSTELLATIONs! At 67,from 27,it still works! HalleluYah! My love be with you all in Christ JESUS our preserver by His blood!
KatrinA, what An incredibly beautiful reflection of your mom. She has such a special place in my heart, and i haVe appreciated her so much over the years. Praying for you all ❤️
oh, how I can relate to this. My parents divorced when I was very young. I think I was about 8 or 9 years old at the time, but it didn’t stop there. Custodial rights changed every few years until I was freshman in high school. Even then things never cooled down between them until my early adulthood.
At one point, in my thirties, I was talking with my dad and I commented how to back and forth between him and my mom will never stop until one of them is gone. How I regret making that remark. Fast forward until about the past five years or so, I became the caregiver of my mother when she underwent two knee surgeries and eventually two back surgeries. My dad’s health was beginning to fail at the same time. I look back on that remark I made twenty some years ago and would take it back in a heart beat I’m thankful that both are still alive today but, I realized why I train!
Katrina, Your testimony touched my heart and i sEnt it on to A Sister who is going thrOugh a similar Hardship with her mom. It really encouraged her that someone else understood. We appreciate you and pray with you for you and your precious mother! Thank you for bravely sharing yourself and your story of why you train! God bless you!
Like you, Trina, my heart is broken for both your mom and dad. I just keep thinking that answers are just around the corner. We know Jesus is THE answer, but it sounds so smug and uncaring to the sufferer. I truly believe being with you and your family will be a healing balm like none other. Thank you for your sacrificial love on full display. ❤
Katrina,
Thank you for sharing about your Mom. IT WAS GOOD TO READ ABUT OTHERS GOING THROUGH PARENT CARE. MY SIBLINGS AND I HAVE BEEN CARING FOR OUR PARENTS FOR YEAR NOW. MY MOM PASSED IN 2015 AND NOW MY DAD HAS DEMENTIA AND CANCER. IT IS A CONTINUOUS BALANCE OF GUILT AND THE FEELING OF SELFISHNESS. lIFE IS A TRAINING FIELD AND I HAVE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF THROUGH THE ROAD GOD HAS LAID BEFORE ME. ONE DAY AT A TIME….FOR SURE. I ALWAYS TRY TO REMEMBER ALL MY BLESSINGS AND GIVE THANKS TO GOD IN MY PRAYERS AS I AS FOR GOD’S WISDOM. MANY BLESSINGS!