Lisa shares a simple framework for deeper conversation with your spouse.
As many of the couples I know started out, my husband and I didn’t come to marriage knowing how to have hard conversations. We really had no idea how to have a conversation that would consistently lead to connection. If that’s you, don’t despair.
There is hope. If you, like me, felt that it should come naturally, please stop “shoulding” on yourself. Give you and your spouse grace and learn something new!
My husband and I don’t do well with complicated structure. One or both of us will forget a step if it’s too much. Then, we find ourselves with weeks gone by and we haven’t been doing our “homework” because it’s just too tricky!
Through counseling and trial and error, my husband and I have found a simple way to turn our weekly date nights into a more connecting experience.
Here are three steps to deeper conversation:
1. Share the high point.
When we share the high point of the day/week/month, we think of something that caused us to smile.
We share the details of that experience and a few feeling words from either a Feelings Wheel or the list of Soul Words from the ministry, How We Love.
2. Share the low point.
After we share a high, we share a low – something that we struggled with during the week. And again, we tell the details, but then we go deeper by sharing the emotions we experienced during that low.
3. Share your preoccupations.
After sharing our highs and lows, we share something that’s weighing on us.
We call that a preoccupation.
A preoccupation is something that takes up space in our minds. That could be something related to our low from the week. Or something entirely different.
Maybe it’s something that we just need to talk about, for example, an event or a vacation or something that we need to plan together.
A Simple Practice for Deeper Connection
We have played around with this Connecting Conversation. Sometimes if it’s been an exceptionally hard week, we may try to have this conversation in the car before the meal. This can feel safer than being around a lot of strangers. Then, we’ll save the meal for the more lighthearted, fun conversation.
But, often, you’ll find us at our favorite local restaurant on a Sunday afternoon, going back and forth, sometimes stumbling through, sharing our highs, lows, and preoccupations.
One of the things that is very helpful about this Connecting Conversation style is how it forces us to slow down.
We each have an opportunity to share one emotional experience from the week. By focusing on only one emotional high or low, we can focus on one situation at a time.
We leave these dates feeling more connected, more aware of what the other has experienced that week.
This practice opens a door to one another’s emotions. When I hear my husband share about his high and low from the week, I can truly rejoice with him and mourn with him. And, he can do the same with me.
This Connecting Conversation isn’t exclusive for married couples. It works great with kids, teenagers, small groups, and friends.
When will you try this Connecting Conversation? Who will you begin to implement this with?
One thing you can know for certain is that if you use this regularly, you will experience greater connection!
Lisa Ostreim is a Certified Revelation Wellness Instructor from Platoon 28. She is a wife, homeschool mom, and Certified Health Coach. Lisa is passionate about helping to set others free. Check out her in-person and online classes on the Revelation Wellness website.
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2 Responses
Thank you Lisa and thank you RW. I can do these 3 simple steps. I think we have a form of them but I don’t see myself being consistent. Our God is faithful and He will lead me into still waters where we can drink deeply of His love for us and be set free from these chains of sin through our submission to Him and each other. Love you guys
Praying for you and your marriage, Jeanette! May God bless your work for consistent communication!