Learn four biblical purposes for sex in marriage and grow in intimacy today.
A few years ago, I gave my first seminar in local Christian women’s groups about physical and emotional intimacy in marriage.
Mainly sex.
Married sex. Awkward? A bit.
Intimidating? DEFINITELY.
There were many different women with a variety of backgrounds and experiences related to intimacy attending the seminar. I was serious when it came to fasting and praying about how to approach it. That didn’t change the fact that the seminar felt like a daunting task.
But I knew what God had brought me through and why He opened the door for this opportunity. He wanted to work through my testimony if only I trusted Him enough to simply step up and speak out.
If we want the INTIMACY that God intended for us to have in our marriages, we must have intimacy with Him first.
Using Sex Wrongly
As a young teenager, I battled severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Over time, I became addicted to prescription narcotics, eventually using anything I could to get high. With a lifestyle centered around drug use, the party scene always included a random “hook-up”… and another hook-up and another.
Until I didn’t know names or faces anymore.
There was nothing emotionally intimate about those encounters.
When I was 18, I found out I was pregnant. That discovery didn’t change my desires or lifestyle choices. I made selfish decisions and chose to go forward as I always had, in a haze of drug use and self-harm.
But… God, right?
Through a series of divinely orchestrated events, I found myself in a church service with a choice to make.
That night I decided to follow after Jesus. I committed my life to Him, and immediately after that service, I found a trashcan. I threw out my pills, my pipe, and the marijuana I had stuffed in all corners of my purse.
It was time to move forward.
Dealing with Past Sexual Sin in Marriage
My son was born six months later, and my mind was set on being a single mother and doing my best at it.
But again, through those divine interventions, when my son was almost two years old, I met my husband. He was nothing like the men I knew in my past. He was sweet, patient, and respectful. He was a godly man who showed me that he loved me in actions and words. We met in August, and we were married in December.
I mistakenly thought this kind and gentle man would heal everything from the past.
It took no time at all for the negative emotions from my past regarding sex to show up. They flooded into our marriage and poisoned my relationship with my husband. I felt used and dirty and guilty every time we were together. Common sense told me it wasn’t him making me feel that way. I knew he loved me and that he wasn’t using me. But my perception of intimacy had already been tainted. There was no love, connection, unity, or spirituality in what we were doing. Because I didn’t even know what those things felt like.
My husband was impacted by this too. Nothing he could do would make it better. Our marriage suffered. After five long years, our relationship reached a critical point where all of this came to light, and we were forced to seek resolutions.
It's More Than the Birds and the Bees
So began my journey of finding healing, understanding what sex in marriage is supposed to be like, and learning what God has to say about it.
Our mindset about sex begins to form at a very young age. From the time we understand the difference between boys and girls, our perspective begins to be shaped and formed. This continues as we reach puberty and especially as we begin to listen to what our peers and the culture around us have to say about sex.
When I was growing up, other than the ONE conversation our parents had with us when we were nearing puberty (Which, by the way, is just not enough), it just wasn’t something we talked about. Unfortunately, we were hearing PLENTY about it from other kids. We heard about it from TV and media, although not nearly as strong as it is today.
Those outside ideas and perceptions held greater weight than my parents’ ideas about sex because the former is what I heard more frequently. My impressionable mind was filled with worldly thoughts.
No one told me what God said about sex.
As we all know, the world has very different views about most things than what the Word of God says. That is especially true for the topic of sex and sexuality. There is no sanctity in marriage or sex in the eyes of this world. The topic has become distorted, crass, humorous, and a joke. The act has become casual, disconnected, a pastime. The enemy has done his best to obtain a beautiful gift in lovely clean packaging and stomp on it.
For there to be a change in my marriage, I had to clear my mind of what I thought I knew about intimacy. It was difficult for me to find the line between who I was in the world and who I was expected to be in marriage. I prayed for a fresh perspective, a transformation of my mind. I had to release my guilt and allow God to heal me, mind and body.
I wanted to understand and embrace what GOD had to say about intimacy in my marriage.
What God Has To Say About Sex
Sex holds a lot of power. Not just as a physical act but the depth to which it can affect a person and a relationship. I don’t believe we even possess the ability to understand all that God intended for it to be. We live in a sinful world that has worked to taint one of God’s greatest gifts.
Here are four biblical purposes for physical intimacy in marriage:
1. Sex is for procreation.
Part of God’s blessing to Adam and Eve is to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). In doing so, they fill the earth to rule, create, grow, organize, and live as God’s image-bearing creatures.
But parenting comes at a cost. Anyone who has children, whether through birth, adoption or fostering, knows that raising children comes at a cost to our selfish desires and individualistic mindsets. So, in many ways, our society tries to disconnect sex from procreation. Still, the male and female bodies are designed for childbearing, and this is a primary purpose for sex in marriage.
2. Sex is for unity and intimacy.
In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” From the beginning, sex was meant to be an act of unity and intimacy in marriage.
In his book, “Building Foundations for a Godly Marriage,” Gregory Brown writes, “In fact, sex was used as a picture of God’s intimacy and covenant with the nation of Israel. God took Israel as his wife, as a husband took his virgin wife to himself. God meant sex in marriage to symbolize the most intimate relationship in the world, our relationship with him. It is a powerful union. It is both a symbol of unity and intimacy and the means of how a married couple grows in them.”
This may seem like an odd metaphor because our perception of sex is so carnal! But God designed the sexual act to be as spiritual as it is physical.
Our love and intimacy become a light to others as they compare it to relationships in this world, and they WILL compare. That’s not to say that a great sex life is going to mean we are perfect and don’t make mistakes. But if there is true intimacy in a relationship, it will be noticed by those around us.
3. Sex is for enjoyment and pleasure.
God intended for us to enjoy sex.
Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, you ever be captivated by her love.”
This physical language is even more amplified in the Song of Solomon, and I can’t help but giggle when I read it. This book is full of the words of a man and his bride fully enjoying each other! Just read Song of Solomon 7! It is clear the woman enjoys intimacy just as much as the man. They are having a nice date out, physical romance AND sweet words. This is the best of both worlds for each of them!
On this point, communication about physical intimacy is KEY. Don’t be afraid to be open with your spouse about what you do or don’t enjoy. Be ready to ask questions and openly receive their responses.
4. Sex as a means to serve one's spouse.
Serving one another through sex is not meant to be one-sided. God did not intend for sex just to be something to please the man, which is a misconception that women (and men) in the world AND the church are living with. Sex is not just another way for a woman to submit to her husband.
God created sex for the couple to be able to serve and please EACH OTHER.
No instruction or command in the Bible says a woman has no autonomy regarding sex with her husband. If you read the scriptures, the Lord holds both the woman AND man accountable to each other in this way. The man has just as much responsibility to his wife in this as she does to him.
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise, the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Instead of focusing on our own pleasure and enjoyment, we should take this opportunity to think of our spouse! Don’t use sex as a form of punishment or control. Sometimes EACH person needs to remember to be a little selfless in this. Think of your spouse and what they need from you. Sometimes sex does feel like a sacrifice.
When I know my husband has had a hard week at work, I will try to take a little extra time for him, in and out of the bedroom. I want to be sensitive to his needs in the same way he’s sensitive to mine. If you can agree with your spouse for each of you to make the other’s pleasure your main goal, satisfaction can be obtained.
Experiencing the Fullness of Marriage as God Intended
If we want the INTIMACY that God intended for us to have in our marriages, we must have intimacy with Him first. Work on your own spiritual walk, but also pray that God will bind you together with work in the Kingdom and that He will make your marriage all that HE intended for it to be.
Also, don’t think it’s strange to pray over your sex life. I always pray to be a blessing to my husband in that way. Lord, help me to bless him. Let me understand his needs and desires. Keep our minds pure and focused on each other. Make our intimacy and unity all that you designed for it to be.
When I was first asked to do the seminar, the leader didn’t know the journey I had been on… but of course, God did. He prepared me to share what I had learned and experienced with our community. He gave me the confidence to testify without shame or embarrassment. I can now share the testimony that God has healed my marriage and my mind.
Through searching His word, being prayerful and mindful about what He says about intimacy, and learning to communicate with my husband, we are experiencing the love God intended for each of us to experience in marriage.
Two Challenges for You
May I challenge you today to seek after more in your intimate relationship with Christ and your spouse?
May I also challenge you to be open with your children, teaching them what the Word of God has to say about all things, teaching them to combat the lies of the enemy with what is righteous and true.
If you accept this challenge, we can break the cycles we have lived in for generations. We can take back what the Lord intended to be ours. Let us honor Him by proclaiming and living in truth.
Be blessed.
Jennifer Brosi is a pastor’s wife and mother of 6 living in Monroe City, Missouri. She enjoys anything to do with vintage fashion and loves to be physically active, especially in the sunshine. She believes that God is interested in every corner of our lives and that all things can be used to glorify Him!
