*Post updated September 2022
Why I Had My Breast Implants Removed - Part 8
The Night Before Surgery
(As written in my journal on May 10th, 2015)
Tomorrow is surgery day.
As I sit here, I am aware, more than ever, that tomorrow God rebuilds more ancient ruins. The fact that I am really sick has made the past few days difficult. A little harder (a lot harder) for me to trust. He wants to take me back very, very thin.
For the past few months, I have been trying to envision what I will look like without my implants. They have been a part of me for so long. But the time has come. Time to turn in these crutches. They got me this far. But now, He’s asking for them back.
Just took my last shower. It’s funny how relational we are with our bodies. We can spend our days making peace with the parts that seem to work against us and caring for the parts that seem to work. I looked down at my form and said goodbye. I know nothing in me changes, but in 24 hours, I will look down and see bandages, wounds, and fresh scars.
The death and grief are real today. And the excitement is high, too. So many emotions.
I am counting on God to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. I am believing I am going to feel a weight lifted off of me when I come out tomorrow. “Please, Father…remove the weight.”
I speak against the lie that I am becoming a “nothing special” woman. That I am becoming unattractive. This is not my own doing. He has slowly been undoing this from the first day I awoke from anesthesia 15 years ago.
Tomorrow He gets more of me. Tomorrow He takes more fear and gives me more of himself – more love.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I want more of you, God. I must have more of you. At any cost. Give me more of you. – 1 John 4:18
I can’t say He asks this of all His daughters; I just know it’s what He is asking of me. I couldn’t negotiate my peace for one more day. There is something greater behind all of this. I believe this is so I can know His nature and love for me more. This is how he loves me. Losing myself to find myself. Dying to the law of my flesh to live more in the Spirit.
He’s serious about not having us hold on to anything. Anything we say “you can’t have” becomes fair game. We must be careful about anything we want to hold onto.
God, Be My Healer
Three things I plan to ask the doctor tomorrow…
1.) To pray with Simon and me before we go in.
2.) To play worship music over me in the operating room, if possible.
3.) To give me my implants as remembrance stones of what God has done.
A Prayer for Myself and Others:
Lord, may I be an offering for the generations to come through me. That each of your daughters, born through my faith, would be women at rest. That they would not have to fight this battle from a place of fear, not for one more day. That they would know YOU want to fight their battles and your banner over them is love. YOU do not make mistakes. May this be an offering, a turning point, the lynchpin in the history of time that turns many women into Kingdom freedom-fighters fueled by grace.
Heal me, Father. Be my healer. Holy Spirit. Touch my body, heart, soul, and mind with your healing fire.
Keep Reading Alisa's Story...
Alisa Keeton, Founder of Revelation Wellness is an author, speaker, and freedom bringer. Alisa’s life’s purpose is to make healthy disciples who make healthy disciples. She believes in the power of the Body Of Christ and its many unique parts making up one complete whole. Like any body, it grows best under tension. We are living in the best of times for tension. Let’s train!
11 Responses
Great job in your listening to the Lord and being obedient. I am thrilled for you. I am grateful for you! Thank you for sharing your story, Alisa. It will strengthen so many of us for years to come, starting with me and my daughter, Sophie. May God richly bless you. AMEN! LOVE>Fear. AMEN!
Alisa, the most important thing I want to say to you is thank you – thank you for sharing, God is doing a great work in and through you.
I have struggled with body image all my life, even suffering 14 long years with an eating disorder that eventually landed me in an inpatient treatment facility. One contributing factor to my struggle was the lie, “You are not enough.”
At 38, years after I had been in strong recovery from the eating order, I went through another valley of body image woes. I was almost 40, and 3 babies and months of nursing left me, well, “flat chested” by society’s standards. I watched my mother-in-law, 2 sister-in-laws, and friends get breast enhancements. A big fitness person myself, I was frustrated my aging and “imperfect” body so I did the logical thing – made an appointment with a plastic surgeon.
My husband and I went to the appointment (he didn’t care what I decided – I was the one driving this train) and the appointment went “very well” by all appearances. I even scheduled the surgery despite the uneasy feeling I had that this wasn’t right for me, that God had made me the way he wanted me to be, and that I was more than a cup size – that a bigger chest would’t make me feel better about myself in the long run.
I didn’t end up going through with it and, though happy with my decision, have still questioned my attractiveness, at times feeling less than in that area.
Your story has ministered to me, and needs to be heard by women. Looking to God for affirmation and not buying into earthy standards of “pretty” is freedom. Grateful for your obedience Alisa, and your willingness to your story out there. God Bless.
Wow Keri. What faithfulness you displayed, to not do what you wanted to do. What a testimony of obedience. The world doesn’t need more pretty…it needs more obedience to go the quiet way. Real beauty is quiet. You exemplify this well with this part of your testimony. May he continue to quiet the storm that dares to rage against you. You are not your cup size. You are the beloved. End of story. -peace
Thank you for sharing this! I just read all of yours blogs on this issue today. I was sharing what you wrote with my husband and he said,”Good! That’s what I want for you! I want you to KNOW how beautiful you are! It doesn’t matter if you have a roll here or there!” I’ve never had a problem with weight, except for keeping it on! But, I’ve always been self conscious about it! I’ve just recently found a love for fitness (though I’ve worked in a gym/health club for over 5yrs total). It’s so hard to know my heart; why am I doing what I’m doing? Is it because I want to be healthy so I can love and serve others or is it because I have a need to keep up the “skinny” girl image?! I’m praying about starting either the Revelation Wellness or Holy Yoga training, not just to learn more about fitness, but to learn more about myself! I’m looking forward to hearing the rest of your story!! May His all sufficient grace continue to give you the strength to walk this path of transparency!
Amen Jessica! Amen. Yes. God wants to do fitness to us and through us. What you said just reminded me of this video we sent out today to people who have inquired about instructor training. http://www.viddler.com/v/7e33968 Check it out! And we will be praying for you. Freedom or bust!
Lol!! Totally got that email today and it got me soooo excited!! I want that! Listened to all the testimonies too!! Our church does men’s retreat at the same place you guys have your retreat! I heard it is beautiful, which makes me want it even more (plus retreat is on my birthday!! Bonus!!)
Dear Alisa, thank you sister. How I have enjoyed reading your heart as He unpacks more of His to you. Hallelujah!
About six months ago, I sensed Holy Spirit nudging me to stop coloring my hair, allowing the gray to grow in. Sounds kinda goofy when I write it down… but it was a wrestling of sorts for me. My husband and children were so supportive and continue to be. I am in the spotlight of fitness in that many look to and at me for their idea of what whole and healthy looks like (I’m a health coach for 22 years now). My decision was both supported and questioned/doubted by clients and community. “God told you w-h-a-t?….”
But it was less about “God saying” and more about me yearning to have nothing between us. If perchance my hair was an idol, I was compelled to knock it down. This was a personal decision… and not one I would put upon any other. This thing with my hair is between me and my Father in Heaven. He loves me the same either way…. yaaaay!
as I’m about halfway on this growing-my-hair-out journey now, I feel incredibly more FREE. Clearly, something has lifted, shifted deep within me. I feel raw, vulnerable, authentic, real… crazy, but I feel more beautiful than ever. I know, I know… really? Whoda thunk it?
Well, God did. He’s altogether wonderful like that. Amen.
Bless you, sister. Hugs.
Lisa,
FREEDOM! Is the only word that comes to mind for you. Yes..not everyone will feel that same tug, but for those who do, and they are willing to follow that unction, only good will be found. Thanks for sharing your bold yes.
listening to this song, I am wrecked. I love your requests and will carry them into my surgery in April.