I always wanted a big family with lots of love, chaos, laughter, joy, and celebration. I praise the Lord because that is exactly what my husband Rod and I have experienced in our 25 years of marriage. We have four wonderfully creative, energetic, and passionate children that range from 12 to 21 that have grown up way too fast.
So fast that, at times, I feel like I have no idea how we got here or what I am doing. I remember being physically exhausted when they were all younger and living in survival mode. Today, I’m still exhausted but it’s not from cleaning up toys and changing diapers, it’s an emotional exhaustion.
As they have grown, their needs have changed. Their questions have gotten harder, and my relationship with each of them constantly evolves. What might be a huge issue today is gone tomorrow and can leave my head spinning.
I can’t parent my adult children the same way I parented them as children. Here are four strategies that have helped my husband and I make the transition from parenting young children to adult children:
1. We love them unconditionally - even when we disagree
While I want to hold onto them, protect them, and continue to live our everyday lives with them, the time will come for them to fly.
Our home is not without discussions, debates, and arguments. Through God’s tender convictions and wisdom, He has shown my husband and me a different way to handle them. Our kids are individuals who need to feel respected.
“For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just…” (Genesis 18:19). God has slowly shown me that when it comes to my kids, I don’t always have to say something, which as a talker isn’t easy. What matters is my presence, my attention, and for them to know that they are always safe.
2. When we feel like there is nothing we can “do,” we pray for our children.
Two of our four kids are adults who no longer live every day under the family roof.
As I write this, our 21-year-old is moving out the first week of August and our 19-year-old has just returned from a month-long solo mission trip to China, Colombia.
For the first time, we were separated for both of our family vacations this summer. Yet God is so good. He has given us peace that passes all understanding and a passion to pray without ceasing as they both make decisions for their future.
3. We remind our children of their identity in Christ.
Over the last two years, this world has changed in such a way that it makes my heart ache for those who are young adults.
So often when I have prayed for clarity, Father God is very quick to remind me that what our kids need most is safety and security. I truly believe this is what sets us apart from the world. The world is going to tell them everything they are not. We, as Jesus-loving people, have the responsibility to remind them of who they are.
4. I invite my children to ask me questions.
By encouraging them to ask me questions, it allows me to know where they are, what they are thinking, and where they are struggling. It has fostered an environment where there is no fear, no judgment, and condemnation for asking those questions.
“Tell it to your children, and let your children tell it to their children, and their children to the next generation,” (Joel 1:3). The Lord has always been faithful with the words He gives me so that our conversations provide clarity for them and not more confusion.
I have found that this openness has afforded us many opportunities to speak into subjects like sex, drugs, alcohol, and other sins that creep in. Jesus came for them just as much as He came for my husband and me. By leveling the playing field, by being real and raw with them, our prayer is that they can extend this same openness to others and make a genuine difference in this world through displaying the characteristics of Jesus Himself.
It has fostered an environment where there is no fear, no judgment, and no condemnation for asking questions.
Parenting our adult children has taught us a deeper meaning of love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness.
We don’t pretend to know everything, and we can agree to disagree with their decisions. What never changes is our love for them. I truly believe that our parenting styles are reflective of the experience we have with our heavenly Father. He has shown me so many times that He loves me, gives me new mercies every day, extends me grace and forgiveness beyond measure. That is how I want to love our kids.
We pray hard, love harder, and sit back to watch as our kids step out in faith to be who they were created to be.
God has honored our prayers and desires to be who our kids need us to be at any given moment, on any given day, no matter the circumstances. At the end of the day, I still don’t know what I am doing, but what I do know is that God is faithful. Praise the Lord!
We pray hard, love harder, and sit back to watch as our kids step out in faith to be who they were created to be.
Laurie Vasquez (Platoon 19) is a work from home, homeschooling mom with four amazing kids from ages 12-21. She is married to her high school sweetheart, Rodrigo, and lives in the Frederick, MD area. She teaches RevFit classes and is the Worship Leader/Volunteer Coordinator for her church.
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6 Responses
Thank you Laurie for your vulnerability and insight, this indeed is an ever changing path I am on with three 26 to 20.
You are the mama for the job, Diana! Thanks for sharing!
So good, Laurie! Thank you for all these words! My husband and I were just discussing some of these things as we lay awake in the middle of the night – especially of our (okay, mostly MY) need to show my son respect as he gets older, by checking in to see if it’s a good time to talk instead of assuming he’s up for a conversation whenever I am. Yes, praise God that He’s faithful in equipping us for this otherwise impossible task! Thank you for sharing what God has been teaching you and your husband!! Love you!
Thank you for sharing, Carolyn!! God is so good.
This was SO good!
So glad this blessed you!!